The Big Bang Theory
by WitchyGirl99
Summary: There was no one like him. He was the best of the best, the smartest of the smart, the hottest of the hot. He was the greatest thing on four legs and nothing could beat that. Suck it, puny humans. InuKag, outsider POV, timestamp to the Happiness!Verse


**_Author's Note: _**_Another part to the Happiness!Verse. If you have not read Happiness: The Tale of an Unstoppable Force and an Immoveable Object this will not make any sense to you. At all. Also, the term "bitch" is used very frequently; however, it is meant in the literal sense, not the derogatory one._

**_Thank You: _**_To my amazing and lovely beta SamiMacKenzie, who did this wicked fast when I was about to go crazy. I really appreciate it hun!_

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story._

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><p><span>The Big Bang Theory<span>

_The Happiness!Verse_

* * *

><p>Do you ever wonder why our species is named "dog?" Well, it's simply because "God" spelled backwards is "dog."<p>

I am God.

Suck it, puny humans.

And hello, my name is Bang and I am the owner of my human pet Inuyasha Taisho.

I bet you're wondering why this is even happening. I mean, I'm clearly the best thing to ever walk the earth but I really don't like to publicize that much. Come on, I'm a couple hundred pounds of muscle, with a black sleek coat and physique that just screams gorgeous. There's no need to be jealous. Really, I understand.

It must be hard to be human. After all, you're pretty dumb creatures. I mean, besides the opposable thumb you've really got nothing going for you. You complain a lot, eat too much, and honestly, you don't have the best hygiene. Unlike me.

Suck it, puny humans.

But all this talk about humans is rather boring, so I'll get to the good stuff. Do you know what happiness is? No? Well I'll tell you. Happiness is never having to pay for shit, having a pet that bathes you, takes you to the washroom, feeds you, walks you and really bends to your absolute will. Happiness is eating the meat off the bone because humans have stupid, useless teeth and can't chew on that shit without breaking something. Happiness is peeing wherever you want and claiming your territory at the same time.

That's right. Multi-tasking 2.0.

Suck it, puny humans.

We can smell better, move faster and look cuter than you ever will naked.

But the reason you're here, I'm sure, is not for me to give you a lesson in something you clearly already know. My lesson to you, my pets, is to teach you the importance of finding a good bitch. Yes, that's right – a good bitch.

Recently, they've been harder to come by.

First things first, I have to get out to find potentials for the day. Getting out of bed, I stretch slowly and then pad over to my pet Inuyasha's room. The human is sleeping, of course, because he doesn't seem to do much else. If it's not sleeping, it's drinking or eating. Honestly, I don't know how you manage to reproduce as a species that's so utterly useless. It's one in the afternoon, too! How does this even happen? How do you as a species manage to properly exist? But I digress.

Now listen here pets, this is what you do:

Step One: Get really close to them. Sit on them. Lay on them. Put your goober-filled face on their lips. I don't really give a shit. This is a good thing because it slowly wakes them into consciousness. It makes them think (for some strange, unknown reason) that you are there to cuddle with them and love them.

_WRONG._ You are there to make them _bend to your will_. Puny humans, you may _suck it big time_. Because admit it, you really think we're there to fill the void in your heart. Sorry but it's honestly to get our own way. You humans are just so utterly pathetic, we have to use a little deceit to get you excited enough for some _real action_: doggy action.

What is this action I speak of? Well you'll just have to wait and find out.

Step Two: Whine. Sound pitiful. Sound remorseful, like you feel bad that you're waking up your slave to let you out, or to feed you. Make them think that you love them as much as they love you. Keep your big eyes wide and open, as if you're staring into their sleep-confused soul… That's it. Now you've got them. Sure, your pets will groan for a bit. Hell, they may even swat at you. The point is that you got their attention and now there is no way that they can ignore you. Keep whining and you will get what you want.

Guaranteed or your doggy treats back.

"Bang, fuck off," Inuyasha grumbles at me, but I don't let that get me down. Inuyasha is a fiddly bastard in the morning, especially since his bitch regularly comes here. For once, I like his bitch – Kagome, I think he calls her. Well, Kagome the Bitch is quite decent. She smells pretty – if maybe a bit too much perfume – and doesn't reek like cleaning fluid (Sango the Crazy Bitch) or sex (Miroku the…Useless Ape).

I growl at him lightly, playfully. I lick his cheek.

Inuyasha sighs and I mentally grin. _Gotcha slave._

"Fine, fine," the black-haired human mumbles, rolling out of bed and putting on some clothing. Thank god you do, by the way. Your species is _ugly_ naked. You're generally hairless and lanky and have absolutely no grace. Case and point: you walk on two legs. Only stupid species walk on two legs.

Birds, penguins, ostriches and so on, but I will not continue to bore you and your puny little minds. That's right people, attention comes back to me. Yes, thank you.

"You coming or what?" Inuyasha yells and I jump off his bed, making it practically all the way to the door before bounding down the hall. My slave is at the door, scratching at his chest before rubbing at his eyes. I push my way past him and get to the elevator, using my nose to get the button working.

Step Three: When the slaves have fallen to your tricks, take the freedom and find yourself some bitches.

Now, some dogs have it bad. Their slaves are so worried about them that they hover like the annoying species they are. Seriously, could you go the bathroom with someone staring at you? It's pathetic enough that you humans made these god-awful contraptions to keep us bound indoors. Now we need your permission to _pee_?

Fools. All of you.

At least my slave is better trained. While I am kept indoors sometimes, he sends over that other bitch, the Sango one, and she's quite amusing to play with. How easily she scares under my death ray vision.

When the elevator doors open, I step inside and sit down beside my pet, leaning against him. I'm quite tired, even though I had a decent rest. Jewel from yesterday is a crazy bitch, and she's been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Of course they come to me, because, well, I'm clearly the best. Still, Jewel's a bit different with her sex habits. Location, location and all that. Irregardless, I am tired and my pet Inuyasha makes a great pole to lean on. He's also kind of…cuddly. But don't tell him I said that.

When the doors opened I fly out, already pushing at some tiny human female that nearly collapses trying not to get hit by me. I can practically smell the fresh air, the beautiful breeze that would ruffle my fur.

Step Four: Mark your territory.

Now, you stupid humans may think this is simple. Well HA to that, because you are – as per usual – wrong. Marking your territory is very strategic. You can't just pee anywhere, obviously. It has to be in a spot that is close enough to the sidewalk so that other dogs know and far enough away from your big stupid human feet so you don't trample all over the scent. Fire hydrants are great because generally no one goes near them but other dogs can smell the scent immediately.

Getting into my usual spot, I smell around, realizing that several other scents layered on top of my own. Greedy little bastards they are. I know one of them is that damn Pekingese. One day I'm going to bowl him over for good. Pompous bitch.

I spend my time lazily, not letting anything bother me or get in the way of marking my territory. This is a delicate procedure, and it must be handled with the utmost care. My pet is waiting for me inside and won't leave until I'm done. I have trained him well. You too, will train your pet to be as good. If you follow my methods, there is no way you can fail.

Chanel isn't out today, which is pretty depressing. She's quite attractive for a bitch, with a gorgeous blonde coat and cute pink tongue. She's so submissive it's tantalizing. Usually she comes around with her female slave when they go for a walk, but apparently that didn't happen this morning.

Pity.

Tosca isn't out either but she's mentally off the rails – if you know what I mean. That bitch will chase anything that creates wind, and that's not a good thing.

Still. She's a butt to sniff and a face to lick.

As I re-enter the building, I saunter towards Inuyasha. He's busy talking on that human device that rings so shrill that I want to chew it into tiny pieces. I can see he's not exactly pleased. Actually, he looks a little shocked, which is never good for Inuyasha because he's generally not good with surprises.

He's a bit dense, to be blunt.

I love him anyways. I guess.

"Kagome, what the hell do you mean they're already here? You said– He's _what_? The one with the– I thought he lived far away. Why in the world is he coming tomorrow? – Well, I just got up thinking I had a few more hours left!"

Ah, so it's Kagome the Bitch. She's nice. Maybe I'll even get to smell her today. I am particularly fond when she comes over, because she pats me and treats me like a king. Yes, the baby talk is annoying – I'll admit – but it's tolerable.

What isn't tolerable? The smell of their sex. Seriously, I'm proud of my pet, really I am. But they do it _all the time_. Give it a rest, will you? I'm in the next room and I have _far better hearing_ than you do. Seriously. You don't want to see me having sex, do you? Well there. Case and point.

…Then again, the whole never-stop-going-at-it is probably how your species manages to reproduce at all. That, stupidity and a thing I've heard my pet call "love".

Pfft. Yeah. Riiight.

"Yeah, I'll be over there as soon as I get out of the shower," Inuyasha sighs, sounding a bit regretful.

At this moment, I'm looking at him hesitantly. Usually when he mentions leaving I'm left on my own or, when he's away for a while, with Sango the Crazy Bitch. I press against him impatiently and Inuyasha mumbles something on the phone I don't pay attention to before he pats my head.

We walk over to the elevator and then return to my apartment. Inuyasha heads towards the kitchen and produces my food, adding in bits of leftovers that smell absolutely delicious. It's good to have a rich pet because then they can add delicacies into the normally boring and cardboard-tasting kibble. Today smells like steak.

Yum, I love steak.

"Here you go," Inuyasha states as he places my bowl down for me.

I snort and go towards my food. _Here you go _is right, pet. Now, go clean my water dish.

Suck it, puny humans. You slaves, you.

Inuyasha scrunches up his nose before dumping the water and putting new liquid in it. I ignore him but that's okay. He gets the picture and he knows his place. It's how the world works and clearly he's accepted his position as my pet.

I allow him to go have a shower because he reeks of sweat and for a few blissful moments I'm alone in the quiet apartment. As he does his business, I'm just going to finish my food and take a nap.

* * *

><p>"What do you mean <em>he's already here<em>?" Inuyasha yells, startling me from my sleep. "That nutcase just decided to what, fly out even earlier with his psychotic _thing_ and come to this? Was he even invited at all?"

I snorted. It's clear he's talking to Kagome the Bitch again. He gets this face when he talks to her, all happy around the edges of his eyes, even if he's yelling and screaming. Right now he covers them with his hand, looking down at the floor.

"Yeah," he murmurs. "Well since we got along _so well _last time– Okay, okay, I'm sorry– No, you're right, I'm not really." Inuyasha breaks out into a small smile.

Oh he's so whipped.

Another one of your faults humans, you fall in love too much, too fast, and too stupidly. Seriously, all you need to live is a good bitch, a pet who takes care of you and a good home. That's all. End of story.

You inferior species just can't grasp that fact, can you?

When Inuyasha hangs up the phone, he walks over to me, hands on his hips. He sighs dramatically and shakes his head at me. "Do you want to come tonight? I'm going to warn you, another dog will be there."

I tilted my head, curious. Did I really want to go? Yes? No? To go or not to go, that is the question.

"Okay, so it's less a choice and more a demand," Inuyasha admits.

I growl lightly because _what_? I did not sign up for looking good tonight and entertaining little bitches. This would seriously put a kink in my style.

No human. BAD HUMAN. I glare at Inuyasha, waiting for him to listen to me.

He turns around. "It's okay, you can eat the fucking chew toy that's coming, promise."

…Chew toy?

Huh. Maybe it won't be so bad after all.

* * *

><p>So, going back to what I was talking about before: getting a good bitch.<p>

Right.

You see, there's a trick to this that not many can master. Yes, I know humans, you think you have it all. In fact, you are wrong.

You generally attempt to woo before any sort of physical intimacy.

_INCORRECT_. You fuck'em right then and there. They're called bitches for a reason. Like "dog" spelled backwards is "God." These things are just meant to be. You must accept it, understand it and live by it.

Adogs.

You stupid humans put weird smelling crap all over your bodies before you go on these things call "dates."

_INCORRECT._ WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? You stupid, dumb humans. I feel for you, really I do. It must suck being you. Bitches are attracted to natural musk. Get that? _Natural musk!_

…Then again, you can't just lick yourself clean whenever you want, can you? So you generally stink all the time.

Never mind. You just suck then. Go ahead with the terrible smelling crap you call perfume. And next time? Let your poor dog out before you decide to attack it with that atrocity. Also, aerate before you see us again.

Words to live by.

Suck it, puny humans.

Inuyasha and I are now in the car. He's driving pretty slow, which makes me think that wherever we're going must not be as fun as the park. I love the park. The park is awesome. There are a ton of bitches there.

I whine. I want a bitch. Not to be permanent with, because who the hell wants that? But you know, for a good time. Maybe…you know…a few of them. In a row. Kind of like Kagome, only Inuyasha decided to _marry_ her. Right.

You should have heard the screaming when he proposed. My ear drums nearly imploded. Looking over at Inuyasha, I bat my eyes at him and pray he listens to my thoughts about getting another bitch. He's a good pet, really, but he's unobservant. He tends not to figure things out quickly either. Inuyasha doesn't notice my pleas for getting laid, so I huff and go back to enjoying all the smells around me. The best thing my slave ever bought was this convertible. At least you humans can be good for something once and a while.

We turn down a familiar street lined with houses. I've been here more and more recently, I can tell from the smells around me. There's a dog here that must pee absolutely _everywhere_. He smells disgusting by the way. His pet must suck at taking care of his needs. How sad.

When Inuyasha parks the car at some house, I can immediately tell where we are. The scent of Kagome is strong, but there's a lot else mixing with it. I jump out, smelling the grass. There's…another dog here.

Funny. Last time I checked they didn't have a dog.

Suddenly the door crashes open and I look up to see Kagome the Bitch, smiling happily at my pet Inuyasha. They kiss briefly and I can see the shiny diamond ring on her left hand. It's hard not to miss it. It's blinded me on more than one occasion. More and more people start to come out – Sota the Strange and Shippo the Toy are the only two I recognize. Sota is weird; he doesn't really come near me other than to give the occasional pat. Shippo though… Shippo is like a chew toy that I can't chew. He runs with me and rolls around in the grass as we play. He feeds me food under the table when no one is looking and is generally awesome.

He will be a great future pet.

A man and a woman come out, with smiles of their own as Inuyasha greets them awkwardly. I'm taking a very educated guess that they're Kagome's parents. They smell nothing like her but I know my slave and well… He's only this much of a tool around the people he really likes. Then there's another man and I can tell right away that Inuyasha isn't pleased by his appearance. He goes all stiff and gets somewhat twitchy.

And then…a _thing_ appears. It runs up to me.

Now, I know what you're thinking. A thing? What is this thing?

Well humans, it's called a Chihuahua. And it's a pathetic excuse for a dog if there ever was one.

Now, dogs aren't like humans. We don't _talk_ like you do. Dear dog, can you imagine if we talked like you do? You humans are SO selfish. I swear you enjoy only the sounds of your own voices. It's _blah blah _this and _blah blah _that. Well I'll tell you what's up bitches: you sound annoying. Your voices are grating and generally range on a scale that should be thrown in the trash. Especially women. Oh dog the women. Squealing is like the shattering of mirrors to our ears. Seriously, put a bone in it.

Us dogs – we, the more awesome species – talk through mostly body language as our primary. Unfortunately, you all suck, so I'll translate it for you in nice, pretty human speech.

I know. You can bow down later. Thank you.

The Chihuahua makes its way up to me, tilting its head. It's a he, and at least he's not wearing some sort of stupid clothing.

Humans: NEVER PUT CLOTHING ON DOGS. WHY MUST YOU TORTURE US? With the pink sweaters and the hats and jackets and the pants and the–

_Ahem_. Continuing.

It's not difficult to raise myself up a little, scare the puny thing with my height. He's easily a midget in my opinion. I watch as he comes near, slowly, sniffing me like I do to him. It's a getting-to-know-you dance, where I can immediately tell this Chihuahua has nothing on me. I'm leader of the pack.

Well, obviously.

"Bang," I tell the Chihuahua, sitting down and looking at the tiny chew toy. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Popcorn," he responds, bouncing a little. Oh dog. It's a puppy. "Can we be friends?"

I sigh. I'm guessing this is the thing Inuyasha was talking about. I don't exactly want to eat him though – Chihuahua or not, he's still a dog. An unmanly dog, but a dog nonetheless. "I guess so," I reply, trying not to sound as unhappy as I am. This thing probably thinks ants are huge. And look at those eyes. Fucking monstrous.

"Bang, come here please!" I hear Inuyasha yell and I tilt my head at the Chihuahua, questioning.

"You got a slave?"

Popcorn bounces a little more. "Yeah. He's my _best _friend. He's the fat one that smells like cheeseburger."

Great. Oh the joys.

"Puppy, you've got _so_ much to learn," I sigh, trotting over to Inuyasha's side. Popcorn follows me, a step behind because his little legs are no match for mine. The bloody thing is shorter than my legs. If he stood up, he still wouldn't make it to my stomach.

Again, sad.

Inuyasha is waiting for me, petting my head the moment I get there. I can see Kagome behind me, smiling and reaching out. Immediately I leave Inuyasha for her because, well, she smells a whole lot better than Inuyasha does. And she gives the best massages. Seriously, I can't wait until the two of them tie the knot because then I'll get to be with her full time and have two pets.

Or maybe it will be four because Sota the Strange and Shippo the Toy might be there, right?

"He always leaves me," Inuyasha murmurs, pouting like a fish. Dear dog human, suck it up. Find your balls. Kagome, keep petting me. Thank you.

"He likes me better," Kagome replies, laughing. She nods for us to get into the house, bending down to pet Popcorn too. The stupid Chihuahua eats it up like the puppy he is. Clearly he's not very well versed on The Ways of The Dog. "You okay though?"

"Yeah," Inuyasha sighs. "I just hate the Chihuahua."

Kagome rolls her eyes and steps back into the house. "Well you'll have to deal with it. Not every dog is as amazing as yours."

Well thank you Kagome. That's so sweet.

"HEY!" Popcorn yells, clearly unhappy with the comment. "What's she talking about, huh? I'm amazing too, right? Right? I am. I think. You think?"

I closed my eyes. Inuyasha owes me bitches for life after this.

"Hold on to that thought," Popcorn interrupts before I even have the chance to respond. He runs up to Inuyasha and I can see it from the way the little rat moves. I growl right away, scaring the living daylights out of the puppy. He jumps in the air, whipping around. "What's wrong?"

"I swear if you pee on my pet, I will pee on you," I state simply, growling. No one gets to pee on my slave because that's a marking of territory. Inuyasha is mine. Remember humans, Step Four? Exactly. See how often this shit comes up?

"But I have to _pee_," Popcorn whines. "And-and-" He pees on the floor and I sigh.

"You really need help," I say. "Look, since I'm stuck here, how about I teach you some tricks? Clearly you're in desperate need for some training. How many bitches do you have lined up?" Popcorn shuffles around and right away I know. "You don't have any?"

What a poor bastard.

"No, my master doesn't–"

"WHAT?" I blinked at him, a few times before what he says sinks in. "You think the human is your _master_?"

Popcorn shuffles again, getting closer to me every time. "Isn't he?"

"No," I reply immediately. "No he is not."

"Oh." Popcorn ponders this for a moment. "Then who is?"

I roll my eyes. This is going to take a lot of work. We need to start _pronto_. Motioning for Popcorn to follow me, we continue our way inside. The family is in the kitchen, although I don't know where Sota or Shippo went. I can see Inuyasha standing beside Kagome, his hand touching her lower back. I can tell right away that my pet doesn't want to be there. He's twitching a little, his leg bouncing up and down.

"Here's a perfect example," I tell Popcorn, looking at the black and white Chihuahua at my feet. "See the guy there with the bitch?" Popcorn nods, big massive eyes trained on me. "That is my pet Inuyasha. The bitch beside him is Kagome, and she's gearing up to be yet another of my slaves. What I'm going to teach you is how to make your pet work for _you_."

Popcorn wags his tiny stub of a tail. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, I guess," I reply. Looking down the hall, I notice that no one has noticed Popcorn's bathroom incident. "Do you see that? That is marking your territory. Are you aware of things like that?"

The Chihuahua nods enthusiastically. "Well yeah, sure."

"Great. Never do it again in my house." I walk over, examining the location and determining that it's not enough for him to claim. The human scents will trample it down anyways. "Now, what do you know about getting a good bitch?" I could tell right away that I had lost him there, the way his big eyes stared back to his "master". Pfft. It's too funny to even think about. "Okay, so this is what we'll do. I am going to teach you the basics and use my pets as examples."

We head back into the kitchen, and Kagome is doing something around the oven. I can smell the food from here and it seems absolutely delicious. I can't wait until that gets put in my bowl.

"Inuyasha, can you stir the gravy please?" Kagome calls, and Inuyasha turns his head to look at her funny.

"Ah ha," I exclaim, nudging Popcorn with my paw. "See that? Kagome is Inuyasha's new bitch. Now this is where Inuyasha is going to put her in place and tell her to do it himself. As a master, you must let others do the work for you."

Inuyasha twitches a little and then smiles. He excuses himself from her parents and… Stirs the gravy? I frown, growling a little. That's not right. What happened to my pet? I turn my attention to the couple he was talking to, Kagome's parents, and sigh. Of course.

He's trying to win them over some more. Why? Because he loves Kagome and wants to make sure she's happy.

Dear dog. What is this world coming to?

Popcorn attempts to nudge me back, using his full body to slam into my leg, only to fall down from the rebound. How sad. "Hey, that didn't seem like he put her into place. Am I missing something? Is this a test? Huh?"

"No," I growl. "He did it wrong." I sigh. "This is the problem with humans. They are so unpredictable."

Popcorn giggles, or does some form of laughing that dogs can manage. "Adog to that brother. Adog."

"Popcorn?" I mutter.

The Chihuahua grins. "Yeah best friend?"

"Never call me brother again."

Popcorn twitches a little. "Okay best friend."

I close my eyes in despair. Fuck my life.

* * *

><p>The rest of the evening goes splendidly for my pet, but horribly for me. While I try to instruct Popcorn on the ideals of a good bitch, Inuyasha increasingly does the opposite of what I say he'll do.<br>Inuyasha goes to the table. He should eat right away, I say, since Kagome served it to him. But no, of course not, he _waits _for everyone else.

Inuyasha's manliness is vaguely insulted by Sota the Strange. I say that Inuyasha will defend his honour and mention something to insult Sota right back. Instead, my pet laughs, shakes his head and continues on like it was _nothing_.

WHO IS THIS HUMAN and WHAT HAS HE DONE WITH MY PET?

"So, I don't really get it," Popcorn insists, lying down beside me. "Is Inuyasha the bitch or the master of Kagome?"

I growl. "The master, obviously."

The Chihuahua huffs. "It really doesn't seem like it."

I watch as suddenly the table gets loud, and glasses are being clinked obnoxiously. It hurts my ears I tell you. Why must this madness ensue? Then Kagome laughs, the only melodic noise in the room. With Popcorn making bored sounds beside me, it's the only noise I can stand. Then she turns around in her seat, leans over towards Inuyasha and kisses him on the lips. It lasts for a few moments, and when they pull away Kagome's blushing and Inuyasha's smiling like something I've never seen before.

"They look happy," Popcorn comments lightly. "You know, with all the touching and stuff. They're pretty handsy for humans."

"They're _in love_," I practically spit, shaking my head. "What a foolish, foolish notion."

"Why's that?"

I shrugged my big shoulders, looking on at my human pets. "When you're in love, you do stupid things apparently. Like Inuyasha. I told you he's the master, but because of this _in love_ business, he's doing the opposite of what he's supposed to."

Popcorn's quiet for a moment, pondering that too. "Does he get laid a lot?"

"Too much," I mumble back.

"And is he happy?"

I look down at the tiny chew toy. "Well _obviously_."

It's Popcorn's turn to shrug and watch Inuyasha and Kagome, still laughing and joking with family. "Well, that doesn't seem so bad, does it? I mean, can't you still be the master but give a little too? If it makes you happy I mean, what's wrong with it, huh?"

I frown. "That's absurd. You're only a puppy. What do you know?"

Popcorn rolls over, little legs in the air as he scratches his back against the rug. "I don't know. There's this Chihuahua next door to me, some bitch, and she's _so_ beautiful."

"And?"

"And I think I'd like to get to know her."

I shake my head. "No buddy, you don't _woo_. _Wooing _is for humans. You just fuck'em and leave."

Popcorn snorts at that, rolling back around to look at me with his scary eyes. "I might be young, but that doesn't sound very nice."

"You need more than one bitch in your lifetime Popcorn," I insist, trying to get the message across. "That's the true key to happiness as far as bitches are concerned."

"Well how do you know?" the Chihuahua demands. "Have you ever been in love?"

"In _love_?" I snort. "Yeah, right. No thank you. No, see there are steps to these things. Steps One and Two allow you to control your pet. Step Three allows you to get the freedom you need to meet potential bitches. Step Four gets you noticed by said bitches. Step Five gets the bitches to do whatever you want so that you have them on the edge of their paws. Step Six involves a lot of stealthy action, but the end result is to get laid. Step Seven is to leave, because–"

"What are these _steps_?" Popcorn asks, looking a little worried. "You're telling me you have to follow those things? Why don't you just…look around?"

I laugh, the growl gurgling out of my throat. "Right. You know what my human pet did? Before he met Kagome, he was very repetitive. It got him a lot of bitches and a lot of fun. It wasn't until he stopped his routine that he got stuck in this mess." I look forlornly at my pet now, slaving away at some human chick that gave good massages but… "He fell in love," I reiterate. That should be case and point in itself.

"But he's happy," Popcorn insists. "Isn't he?"

"Well, I guess. I don't know. Human love is so weird and confusing and not at all like the way we do things."

The Chihuahua sighs and puts his head in his paws. "I don't know. I found the bitch next door when I wasn't looking for anything. Your pet seems to be in love and happy. Why wouldn't you try it?"

It is horrible how none of this makes any sense and yet, it does. Far too much for my liking.

"So you think I should…fall in love?" I sneeze, the idea almost foul. "Why?"

Popcorn bobs his head slightly, making a noncommittal noise. It's probably because he can hear the disdain coming from me. "Why not?"

I think about it.

I think about it some more, watching as the family is now clearing up their dinner plates.

Inuyasha and Kagome are nudging each other gently, a sign of affection that I can easily distinguish. And yeah, Popcorn's right. They do look absurdly happy. And in love.

But that doesn't mean it would work for me.

Or that I even want to _be _in love.

I shake my head at my thoughts. Who the hell listens to a Chihuahua puppy anyways?

* * *

><p>The moment dessert is on its way, Shippo begs to be excused and does a flying tackle on top of me. I don't budge, just kind of look at him like a human would a fly.<p>

"Kagome, can we get a dog like Bang? Please!" Shippo begs.

I felt a little smug by that, only because Shippo and I weren't exactly on great terms the first time we met. He was a bit offensive and I don't like humans all that much. I've stated this before: you smell, you have annoying voices and you baby-talk. No one needs to be baby-talked to death. I didn't mind the kid now, mostly because he's kind of fun to toy with. The bonus is that at the end of the day, I get to go home and leave the redhead bundle of energy behind.

"Uh." Kagome looks at Inuyasha, a bit startled like she's been caught. Inuyasha shrugs a bit helplessly and it catching the attention of the parents.

"What's going on?" Kagome's father asks, a frown creasing on his face. "I know that look Kagome; it's the one that meant you were getting into trouble somehow, someway."

"No it wasn't!" Kagome argued. "And we're not _up to something_…per se…"

"What's the supposed to mean?" the other man asked, Popcorn's owner.

Inuyasha cursed under his breath, facing me as he mumbled something about Uncle Stupid being Uncle Asshole.

"We might as well," Kagome sighs, nudging Inuyasha. "Since we're engaged, we made the decision that until we finally get married, we'll keep our respective houses. Afterwards though…"

"I bought a house," Inuyasha cut in, looking about as happy to spread the news as he is when he must tell everyone that the pervert with the rat's tail and drunken stupor is, indeed, his best friend. "For Kagome and I to live in, as well as Sota, Shippo and Bang."

"You what?" Mrs. Higurashi asks, eyes wide. "What about this house? What's wrong with it?"  
>"I told you," Inuyasha hisses quietly to his fiancée.<p>

Stepping up the plate, Kagome leans on the counter, facing her parents. "Look, Inuyasha has more than enough money. We made the decision that as long as it's financially reasonable, and not a monster of a palace, that we could live there. The three of us can't live at Inuyasha's apartment and Inuyasha isn't going to share my tiny room with me. It made sense."

"Did you talk to Sota and Shippo at least?" Mr. Higurashi looked more than a little concerned, and a bit awe-struck. I guess they never had a rich son-in-law before.

Shippo bounces a little on my back, and I don't have to see him to know he's grinning from ear to ear. "Yup! Inu said that I can have an entire room of just _video games_! Isn't that _awesome_?"

I swear I saw Inuyasha twitch, probably wishing he could bash his head into the kitchen counter.

I don't blame him.

…

WAIT A MINUTE! What the hell?

Growling, I make sure Shippo crawls off before running to my pet's side. He never talked to _me_ about it! When was he going to tell me, huh? When? Inuyasha looks at me in disbelief as I stand up and push my paws onto his shoulders. He nearly stumbles back with my weight, but we've done it enough times to work it out.

"Bang, come on!" Inuyasha groans. "It's a place with a massive backyard and you'll even have a room to yourself. You can't complain on me here!" He leans in close, nose to nose with me. "I need someone taking my side, come on!"

I snort in his face, looking at him for a moment before licking him. He's a pussy-whipped pet, but he's still my best friend. And I can tell right now he needs one.

"There's a room for the _dog_?"

Of course there's a room for the dog, I think to myself. What out-of-their-mind slave wouldn't get their master their own room? Humans, I swear the lot of you are nuts.

"And seriously, he talks to the dog like he's a human," Mr. Higurashi adds, a smile tilting the edges of his lips.

I growl, getting down from where I rested against Inuyasha and turn to face Kagome's parents. What the hell are they thinking, asking questions like that? They make it sound like _I'm_ the one trailing behind like a lost soul in need of their master. They should be a bit more respectful, don't you think? I stalk closer, head going lower.

"Bang, come here," Inuyasha orders, making me stop in my tracks. Very rarely does he ever use that voice with me. It usually means something bigger is up, something bigger than what I know. I don't stop the growling but I remain motionless, eyes focused on the ignorant human parents.

"He's very…touchy," Mrs. Higurashi says, not unkindly. She holds her hand out and for a moment I want to bite it.

"Bang is the best dog in the universe!" Shippo cheers, running up to me with Popcorn in his arms. "And this puppy is cute. Uncle, how old is he?"

"Only two years," Uncle Stupid replies, giving an odd grin.

However, I'm focused on Popcorn and the way the puppy is holding himself. I try not to bark out in laughter, but I could've called this from a million miles away.

Popcorn squats in the little one's arms and pees. When the Chihuahua catches my look of amusement, he tilts his head. "What? You never said anything about this one."

I didn't, so all I do is slink back to my pet's side as Popcorn gets in trouble for peeing on the child. Leaning on Inuyasha, I look up at him with big pleading eyes.

"We'll be going home soon," Inuyasha promises me, scratching just behind my ears. "Suffer for a bit longer, okay?"

I guess I can, as long as you keep petting me like that.

* * *

><p>When it's finally time to leave, Inuyasha sends me outside with Popcorn.<p>

"So when will I see you again, huh? Will it be soon? We're best friends now, which is great. Awesome." Popcorn bounces a little on the spot, licking his lips.

I try really hard not to be annoyed. The puppy barely knows anything, and my efforts to teach him The Ways of The Dog didn't exactly work out. It didn't matter though, because I probably wouldn't see him for a long time – at least until he was more mature. "Yeah, you'll see me eventually," I answered honestly, nudging the tiny thing with my paw. "Just remember what I told you, okay?"

"Love makes you do stupid things," Popcorn reiterates, tongue lolling out. "And you remember what I told you."

Frowning, I pay attention as Inuyasha kisses Kagome goodnight, whispering something undoubtedly mushy in her ear. Oh the days when he was macho and pro. "You told me something."

Popcorn sighs. "Look around more, relax," he says, wagging his tail. "Stop with all these steps."

"That's right, fall in love." I try not to laugh at the Chihuahua, because really? Stupid and young. "Bye Bang."

Sniffing Popcorn one last time, I say my goodbyes and leap into the front seat of the convertible. Inuyasha is already inside, waving to Kagome and the family members outside. We drive through the dark streets, the smells of nocturnal animals filling my senses. I can tell it's going to rain soon; the moisture is thick in the air.

"I'm surprised you didn't eat Popcorn the Bladder Challenged Chihuahua," Inuyasha states with a grin, reaching over to pet me soundly. "I'm almost proud of you."

I roll my eyes and look at the passing by scenery. The drive to our apartment isn't that long, so when we finally park in the underground lot, it's mere minutes before we arrive at the lobby. Inuyasha had muttered something about getting the mail, so I trotted along beside him.

And that's when I saw _her._

A Golden Retriever, all gorgeous blonde hair and dazzling dark eyes. She's walking from the other elevator, her pet towing behind. I catch the bitch's gaze, seeing the way she lights up when she sees me. Stopping, the Golden tilts her head, pink perfect tongue lolling out.

I stand rooted to the spot, torn between meeting this new beauty that I would undoubtedly have to get to know and my pet. She seems to understand though because instantly her eyes glint with something like amusement, intrigue and…defiance.

I can tell she's not one to roll on her back easily.

"Bang," I call out, introducing myself even at the distance.

The Golden's slave is tugging on her leash but she remains where she is, tall and proud. She doesn't answer me.

"What's your name?" I press, needing to get some sort of answer before she tugged away from me for what could be a long time. There's just…something about her.

The Golden Retriever licks her lips and turns around, hips swaying as she walks. It's just before she reaches the door that she turns around, smiling at me. "Don't you wish you could know?" And then she vanishes.

Inuyasha nudges me, snapping me out of my stupor. That bitch… Wow, she was hot. Definitely a fifteen out of ten on the doggy scale of utter hot. I have to know her name, I just have to.

"See a new friend?" Inuyasha asks, laughing at me. "They're new neighbours. The dog has a really weird name though, something exotic."

My pet knows her name? What is it? What could it be? I turn pleading eyes to him, pressing up as tightly to his side as I could. The whine that crawls out of my throat is almost out of my control.

"Really?" Inuyasha shakes his head, a fond expression on his face. "Her name is Azalea."  
><em>Azalea…<em>

I grin. Maybe Popcorn wasn't so wrong after all. Stupid, peeing Chihuahua.

* * *

><p><em>Feedback is love :)<em>

_Do you want a full copy of this story for keeps? Find the download link of my profile under "One Shots" and then "The Big Bang Theory."_

_Check out Thanks a Bunch (But I'm Not Getting Married), a continuation of the Happiness!Verse._


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